Archive | December 2011

Indian Giver

Phillipe, my ex boyfriend, recently texted me the above picture. Much to my chagrin, something about this picture really raped my fanny. No, it isn’t his GIGANTIC muscles! It’s that he still has MY sunglasses from when we were dating! ::BITES COIN PURSE:: I never liked it when exes kept things of mine one we were broken up. Whether it be my pillow pet or my virginity, it is really unfair. I go out of my way to give all the items exes have bought me to the homeless, then I burn them.

Bruce Juice

My friend Bruce recently grew a mustache for “Movember” and even though the month is over, he just kept going! I’ve always been very envious of Bruce. He has the most gorgeous eyes and a smile to die for. He also has the personality of a walrus. Even though he was born with severe mental retardation, he remains resilient. You know, like a walrus.

Unexpected Yule Tide Cheer

For the last 19 years I have been publishing a Christmas letter to update my friends and family on the year that has passed. They enjoy it as everyone enjoys each of those. A few others have shared in my tradition. Here is a the Walton Family, they grew up next door to me. From left to right there’s Kayla, Karen, Kamilla, Kordelia, Kimberly, Kacey, Kelsey, and Bo in the background. Their parents passed away when they were teens and they had to grow up without parents. It was sad, but it also meant some wicked high school parties. Muah guys! I miss you and hope the tragic memories of your parent’s New Year’s Eve death won’t be too much to bear in the coming week.

Pictionary Anyone?

My holiday travels have brought me to Belfast where I caught up with my old college roommate, Trish. Her family is great! They love their board games, especially ones based off of television shows, like Pictionary. It’s what they do because their television was stolen by the IRA. ::shakes fist:: Trish and her family play Pictionary different. They have the Irish version where everyone draws a picture and you pass it around to each other and give compliments. It’s less tense and fewer fights break out because of it. If you ask me, I prefer to play this way.

Christmas Traditions

Hanging around another family can be tricky around the holidays. You have to get used to their traditions. One of the stranger ones in Andre’s family is his adopted brother Nicholas likes to dress up like a woman. At first I didn’t realize Nicholas wasn’t a Nicolette. He’s a pretty convincing female. He even tried kissing me. It wasn’t until he revealed his breasts and I saw the skin of cantalopes that I knew it was all a gag. Speaking of gags, I can’t wait to see what Andre’s mom got me. Last year was a sweater of epic fail! lol

Zoo Adventure

Zoos are fun until someone pulls a groin muscle. That’s what Andre’s step brother Felipe said after dashing to get a look at the flying squirrels. As you can see, there were no flying squirrels present. In fact, most of the zoo animals were hiding. They had gotten sick thanks to some rotten teenager who thought it would be funny to throw soft drink bottles into several of the cages. ::SHAKES FINGER:: There’s nothing funny about abusing animals. Felipe agrees. And if you are wondering, he is doing better after using some icy hot on his netheregions.

Drivin Ms. Lazy

Hector Valezquez-Polanski, Andre’s mother’s driver, was kind enough to pose for this photo. I don’t get along with her too well. I tell her that what she is doing is enslavement. She insists that she is giving a perfectly capable man a job. I don’t know. What do you think? She pays him in well wishes and half used gas cards. I know it’s not my place to complain, but I hope Hector can finally get his screenplay read by a big Bollywood agent to get the heck away from her. Haha sorry for the swearing